2021 was easily the worst year of my life. Yep, the pandemic was and continues to be terrible, isolating and frustrating. But there were a lot of miserable layers on top of that for my family: cancer, COVID, hospitalization and death. Many deaths, unfortunately.
Throughout all these tragedies, I’ve had a lot of well-meaning friends and loved ones reach out offering to be of help. I’ve received a lot of emails, calls and messages saying, “let me know what I can do to help.”
First and foremost, I want you (you, my IRL friends and you, general internet readers) that those messages do mean so much. Knowing that people you love are keeping you in mind and are willing to take time to call is a great comfort. And knowing that loved ones are ready to do you a favor, is heartwarming.
But also know that open-ended offers can be tough for some people who are struggling. When you’re under a heavy emotional load or have had to make a lot of hard decisions, thinking of a favor to request can seem impossible. And if you’re Midwest nice and don’t want to be a burden to anyone or don’t want to make people go out of their way, it’s all the harder. But here’s what I’ve learned after lots of experience.
How to Be Helpful
If you don’t know what to do, here are a few places to start. These gestures will always be appreciated.
- Bring meals: Don’t just say, “let me know if you’d like dinner.” Tell your friend, “I’m bringing you dinner this week. When works best?” And if you’re not a cook or your pal lives far away, order them take-out. A friend of mine delivered a burger and onion rings from one of my favorite places to me one night and I’ll never forget it. Of course, you don’t need to drop off restaurant meals! A pan of something homemade and fuss-free is always welcome (and thank you, Lara, for both).
- Drop off snacks: When my mother-in-law passed away, friends dropped off lots of snacks at my in-law’s home. It’s nice to have ready-to-eat foods (both healthy and junky) on hand to stay fueled as you work through the tiring process of grieving and preparing for a funeral.
- Don’t forget the power of a card: A nice note in the mail can mean the world. Kind words do a lot to emotionally lift me and I know I’m not alone. When these messages are handwritten, they are all the better. And if they come with a really nice candle (looking at you, Nicole), well that’s enough to buoy the spirits.
- Make a donation or send flowers: If you know someone who’s lost a loved one, it’s always a good idea to send flowers for the service or make a donation to a worthy cause. Often times, obituaries list where donations can be made. If they don’t, ask about the departed and what they enjoyed. If they were an animal lover, a donation in their name to a local humane society is a kind thought. If they loved spending time in the kitchen, sending money to a food pantry is something to consider. Families in mourning, in my experience, really appreciate friends taking this step. No, it’s not as immediately helpful as a pan of lasagna, but it’s a thoughtful way to honor someone’s legacy.
What You Can (and Should!) Ask For
This all being said, you will get people saying “let me know what I can do” (and you will certainly say those words in the future). And I’ll tell you this: Take those friends up on their offers. Do it. People are not offering what they are not willing to give (and if they are, well, you’ve learned an important something about that relationship).
So here are a few things you should feel absolutely comfortable requesting:
- Tackling mundane tasks: When you’re emotionally spent, picking up the phone to cancel a haircut or swining by Target to grab toilet paper can feel like just too damn much. Don’t be afraid to ask a family member or friend to do these basics. Having these tasks off your plate can be a big relief.
- Outdoor chores: Does the driveway need shoveling or the grass need mowing? Does the recycling bin need to be brought up to the garage? Those are easy, concrete asks.
- Caring for pets: Tough times often mean long stretches away from home. Ask friends to feed your fish, walk the dog, etc.
- A break: At work, let your colleagues know that you’re having a hard time. Ask for extensions on deadlines, a lighter load or a little time away. Don’t let work keep you from the time you need to heal, mourn or spend time with family.
How to Say Thank You
Of course, after accepting so much help, you want to show gratitude. When you’re mourning or are experiencing trying times, it’s OK if your thank-yous are belated. Make a list of friends that have helped you and send texts or mail cards or make calls when you’re feeling up to the task. It might be weeks or months, but you can still let your gratitude be known.
And when someone you know is in a rough spot, you can always show your thanks by returning the favor one cheeseburger at a time.
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