My mom died back in March. In mid-April, my family held her funeral. It was obviously terrible, but it was also really comforting and healing. I am so grateful to many of my mom’s friends and some loved ones of my own for coming to pay their respects and to check on my family.
Despite being really, really hard, so many folks shared so many thoughtful words and stories. I treasure those moments as I grieve.
With this all in mind, I want to share what I found most touching and helpful at my mom’s service (and honestly at others I’ve attended too).
What to Say at a Funeral
- “I remember when…” I love to hear memories. If you have a heartfelt, goofy or just plain nice story, please share it with the family as you work your way through the receiving line.
- “They were such a great…” Tell someone what an amazing person the deceased was. Were they a wonderful listener? A fun coworker? A first-rate gardener? Terrific at mixing a Tom Collins? These remarks can help remind you how incredible your loved one was—or can even give you some unknown insight into their talents or character.
- “You remind me of them.” The highest compliment I could ever be paid.
What to Do at a Funeral
- Bring a treat or gift. My friend Gina brought me a chocolate croissant during my mom’s visitation. She had it packaged up to take home to enjoy later. My friend Katie dropped off a card with a grocery store gift card. These gifts were really appreciated (and they were super useful to keep me fortified the day-of and days after).
- Send flowers. When in doubt, send flowers. They are a visual reminder of your support (plus my mom loved plants).
- Make a donation. Some families may suggest donations can be made to a particular cause to honor the deceased. This is a great way to show your respects. If a family hasn’t chosen any certain organization, choose one you support or one you think the deceased would appreciate (provided it’s not political or religious in a way the deceased wouldn’t like; this is not the time to rile up a family). Great options always include humane societies, libraries, environmental causes and food pantries.
- Write a card. Sometimes funerals and receiving lines are busy. If you have words to share, write them down! They’re a nice token to revisit later.
What Not to Say at a funeral
Even though most came to the funeral with kind intentions, there were still some more challenging conversations. I know that death is hard. I know funerals can be uncomfortable, but here are a few things to just not get into at a visitation or service (besides the obvious topics to avoid in polite conversation):
- “How did they die?” This one really stung. Someone walked up to me and said, “Oh I thought your mom was sick or something was wrong. What happened, and how did she die?” I understand the curiosity, especially when someone isn’t particularly old, but please, do not ask (or at least do not ask the family). It’s really painful to rehash the details of someone’s physical decline in the midst of an extremely difficult day.
- “They weren’t looking so great.” Trust me: A grieving person knows this. They know that their loved one wasn’t feeling or looking their best. Do not point this out. It does nothing to console. It’s insensitive and insulting.
- Any comments about the appearance of the deceased. My mom was cremated, so there was no viewing. However, I’ve been at many a funeral with an open casket. Don’t make any remarks on how a person looks. Don’t say they don’t look good. Don’t say they look peaceful. Don’t say they look like they just fell asleep. Even if the words are honest, they aren’t always ready to be received. And under no circumstance comment on how the deceased doesn’t look good. Please.
- Any critical comments about the visitation, viewing, service, eulogy, etc. Didn’t like the songs? Wish there were more photos? Thought the service was long? Keep it all to yourself. The people that organized the day are sad, they are struggling and they are doing their best. Good vibes only.
Depressing? You bet! But I hope this is helpful to people trying to support friends in need.
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